GIVING TENNIS THE ELBOW

Monday 26th June 2006

By Robert Maher

Hooray! it's Wimbledon again, time for robinson's squash, strawberries and cream and a whole five minutes of play. Yes folks, the Monty Python-esque farce is back. Each year we suffer the same ridiculous fate of match postponements and hideous intervals in play due to rain. Just as we're contemplating renewing our prescription of prozac, sir Cliff Richard arises from his seat to entertain us with a self- indulgent medley of counterfeit rock and roll, mine's a morphine and coke please. Cue the frustrating television replays of McEnroe, Connors and Bjorg, reminding us of a time when tennis players actually possessed personalities.

Ok, James Murray is at times slightly animated on court, but have you heard the man being interviewed? My bag of sprouts have more charisma. Back to the actual sport, rallies are scarce and most of our time is spent watching the bouncing of a ball preceding a serve which ultimately hits the net or lands out! A successful serve is rarely returned thanks to the micro-fibre, post-modernistic, high-tech, anti-inflammable rackets. And so and so has just notched up his 84th ace of the competition, murmur the stuffy commentary team. Bring back wooden rackets and the ball will not travel as fast, resulting in prolonged actual play. Let us once again truly embrace the science of tennis and subsequently delight in the artistry of it's practitioners.

I also strongly suggest the construction of a re-tractable roof. These rain delays are not only a joke, but entirely unnecessary too. It's high time the Wimbledon lawn tennis association moved with the times and got with the programme so to speak.

DON'T MENTION THE WAR

Sunday 25th June 2006

By Robert Maher

The football hooligan brigade are at it again. Two hundred English supposed football supporters were arrested in Stuttgart last night following ugly clashes with German fans. After Germany's victory over Sweden, tensions reached boiling point. I'm sure the majority of supporters set out for Germany with good intentions. For many it is a trip of a life-time, a chance to be a part of the greatest sporting event in the world. Sadly these occasions are inevitably marred by a moronic minority who frankly should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Typically tatooed, obese, beer guzzling, kebab gobbling buffons who bring nothing but shame on football. Effortlessly endorsing all the negative stereo-types associated with English males when abroad.

Sport should be about unity, enjoyment and jubilation. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with healthy rivalry and harmless banter. I'm all for fan sing-alongs and national pride but find thuggery and yobbishness totally unacceptable forms of behaviour. The throwing of bottles, tables and chairs combined with generous offerings of vulgar abuse is nothing short of disgusting. It's hard to conceive how grown men can behave in such a juvenile and pathetic way. Hopefully the police will carry out their intention to only release these arrested imbeciles after today's England v Ecuador match, meaning they will at least miss out on watching that particular game.

HOPKINS DEFIES LOGIC

Big fight review - 10th June 2006

By Robert Maher

At forty one years of age and having suffered two consecutive defeats in his most recent bouts, the overwhelming consensus of opinion from so-called experts was that Bernard Hopkins should retire. After all, Hopkins legacy was in-tact after reigning supreme as world middleweight champion for ten years. Despite the public out-cry for his retirement, Bernard 'The Executioner' had other plans. After losing his unified middleweight title to the considerably younger Jermaine Taylor, Hopkins was granted an immediate rematch. Hopkins lost again via close decision and was urged to hang up his gloves. Bernard took time out to consider his options and would later surprise the world by announcing a move up two weight divisions to light-heavyweight. He would challenge IBO light-heavyweight champion Antonio Tarver. Tarver, fresher at 37 yrs and on top of the world since dethroning Roy Jones Jnr in May 2004 with a stunning 2nd round knockout. Jones had been regarded as the best pound for pound fighter of his generation. Roy had won titles in several weight division's from middleweight to heavyweight and will no doubt go down in history as one of the all-time greats.

Hopkins mission was to put on fourteen pounds in weight and defeat the best light-heavyweight in the world. Unsurprisingly Tarver was hot favourite to impressively defeat Bernard and finally end his career. Surely this was too big an ask of Hopkins and he was clearly living in serious denial. The risk to his health and reputation blatantly obvious. Come the evening of June 10th at the 'Boardwalk Hall' Atlantic City, Hopkins would shock the boxing world and defy lofic with a pugilistic masterclass. Bernard looks very focused and physically defined despite bulking up in weight. He proceeds to dominate the fight from the first bell to the last, showing all of his experience and ring craft . The wily veteran proves to be an elusive target for Tarver all night long with text-book boxing. No unorthodox extravagance from this throwback to a bygone era of champions like Jersey Joe Walcott and Archie Moore. The chin is down, the hands are high and the mind focused on the job at hand. Hopkins is slipping and parrying most of Tarver's shots and responding with sneaky accurate counters, his timing and distance gauging impeccable. As early as round three Tarver appears intimidated and apprehensive. In round five Hopkins beautifully evades a big left from Tarver and immediately connects with an over-hand right bang on the chin forcing Tarver to retreat, his glove touching the canvas. Tarver clearly shaken from this brief knock-down survives the remainder of the round as Hopkins remains cool and composed, applying steady pressure. Economic in his offence, Hopkins wastes nothing. Never one to recklessly abandon his defence in pursuit of a stoppage. Tarver would have relished the opportunity to have landed one of his bombs on Hopkins exposed chin. However, Bernard is the consummate professional and would simply not present an open invitation.

Round after round transpires with the challenger outclassing the brash champion. Even in Tarver's own corner his trainer Buddy Mcgirt coaches Tarver on surviving the course as opposed to going for broke. Hopkins finishes strongly and fight observers can be in no doubt of the winner. Tarver, right eye swollen concedes victory to a ring surgeon. Hopkins stuns the fans with a magnificent performance winning a unanimous points decision over twelve rounds to claim the IBO light-heavyweight title. A sweet victory for all of the over-forty's around the world.

REVEREND GREEN REVS US UP INTO A FRENZY

Concert review - 29th June 2005

Al Green at 'The Royal Albert Hall', London, UK.

By Robert Maher

The Royal Albert Hall was filled to capacity with an adrenalin fuelled audience waiting in anticipation of the Reverend to save their souls. Having sat throught the support act spiritually unmoved yet giving of polite applause, the punters were now rather looking forward to Al blowing them away. For it is Al Green that we have all come to see and as the lights dimmed and Al's band took to the stage the atmosphere was electric. As the music joyously thumped out the rev entered the stage and was embraced by an emotional reception punctuated by excited screams and shouts. Wearing a black tuxedo with a gold cross resting on his chest, Al opened with 'I can't stop', the title track from his 2003 comeback album. It was immediately apparent that before us stood an artist who remains in full command of his voice. Green demonstrating his dynamic vocal range and a soaring falsetto of intense religiosity. Exuding charisma and magnetic stage presence Green was indeed eliciting wonder and amazement.

Al proceeded to treat the audience to such famous hits as 'Here I am come and take me', 'Tired of being alone', 'Let's get married' and of course 'Let's stay together'. But no Al Green concert could be complete without a gospel segment. His impassioned renditions of 'Amazing grace' and 'Nearer my God to thee' literally captivating the audience. Our spirits stirred, the habitual sinners amongst us now converted into a holy flock of worshippers. Little did I know that soul heaven was just around the corner when Al sung a medley of nostalgic classics. Prefacing this medley with a sermon to the crowd about "the music that got us here", referring to his early influences. Without any musical accompaniment Green's medley included 'I've been loving you too long' Otis Redding, 'Sugar pie honey bunch' Four Tops and 'Wonderful world' Sam Cooke. Not many people on this planet can authentically sing an Otis ballad. Al showed us exactly why he is now often referred to as 'the last great soul man on earth'. As well as ecstasy I felt the agony of being teased. Oh how I wished that Green had performed these songs in their entirety. Never been a fan of medley's, a teaspoon of honey can be worse than none at all. I personally find a tablespoon more gratifying.

An audience sing-along naturally occurred during 'How can you mend a broken heart', a song originally written and performed by the Bee Gees. When Al recorded this he made it his own, a great cover track. Testament to this the fact that people forget it's a cover. The rev also performed country classic 'For the good times', again I prefer Al's version to the original. Green personifies the battle between the sacred and secular. This was illustrated in his self-penned 1970's hit 'Belle' which contains the lines "It's you that I want but him that I need" and "my heart was lost but now it's found", pertaining to his relationship with God. Al is equally apt at conveying both sensuality and romantic love as he is sanctity and spirituality. He finished up with the funky 'Love and Happiness' and as the band played out the rev departed the stage leaving the crowd begging for an encore. It wasn't to be, ladies and gentleman Al has left the building. As much as I wanted more I couldn't possibly feel cheated. Let us pray that Reverend Green graces these shores again with his divine talent.