GIVING TENNIS THE ELBOW

Monday 26th June 2006

By Robert Maher

Hooray! it's Wimbledon again, time for robinson's squash, strawberries and cream and a whole five minutes of play. Yes folks, the Monty Python-esque farce is back. Each year we suffer the same ridiculous fate of match postponements and hideous intervals in play due to rain. Just as we're contemplating renewing our prescription of prozac, sir Cliff Richard arises from his seat to entertain us with a self- indulgent medley of counterfeit rock and roll, mine's a morphine and coke please. Cue the frustrating television replays of McEnroe, Connors and Bjorg, reminding us of a time when tennis players actually possessed personalities.

Ok, James Murray is at times slightly animated on court, but have you heard the man being interviewed? My bag of sprouts have more charisma. Back to the actual sport, rallies are scarce and most of our time is spent watching the bouncing of a ball preceding a serve which ultimately hits the net or lands out! A successful serve is rarely returned thanks to the micro-fibre, post-modernistic, high-tech, anti-inflammable rackets. And so and so has just notched up his 84th ace of the competition, murmur the stuffy commentary team. Bring back wooden rackets and the ball will not travel as fast, resulting in prolonged actual play. Let us once again truly embrace the science of tennis and subsequently delight in the artistry of it's practitioners.

I also strongly suggest the construction of a re-tractable roof. These rain delays are not only a joke, but entirely unnecessary too. It's high time the Wimbledon lawn tennis association moved with the times and got with the programme so to speak.